Eve Stanway shares how to have those difficult conversations that can save your relationship – or help you leave with love.
The turning point in a relationship often comes down to a single conversation. It can be the moment when you say what has been sitting heavy on your chest, or the moment you choose silence, hoping things will magically improve on their own. Most of us grow up witnessing one of two extremes: parents who fought openly and loudly, or those who buried their pain beneath years of polite detachment. Without realising it, we absorb these patterns and repeat them in our own relationships. Breaking that cycle takes courage, but when you do, you give your relationship – whether it is struggling or on the brink of separation – the best possible chance of survival.
I remember the moment I realised that my marriage was no longer what it had once been. I became acutely aware of the ring on my finger – four gold bands intertwined to represent me, my husband, and our two children. As I twisted it round, the symbolism suddenly felt painfully out of reach. The connection between us had become brittle with time, and I knew it.
Our arguments had become predictable, circling the same unresolved hurts, never quite finding a way forward. Even worse were the silences – the days when we lived side by side, going through the motions of married life but never really meeting each other in the space between. I still loved him. But love, I was learning, was not always enough.
At that moment, I did not know whether my marriage could be saved. What I did know was that I lacked the skills to even find out. I had no tools for navigating the conversations we needed to have, no experience in expressing my needs without defensiveness or fear. And so, I made a choice. I chose to learn.
What I came to understand changed everything – not just for me, but for the couples I now work with. The same skills that could heal a damaged relationship were the very ones needed to navigate an amicable separation. There was no single, predetermined path. What mattered was making a conscious choice, learning how to act with intention, and doing the right thing even when it felt impossibly difficult.
Why we fear difficult conversations
We often avoid difficult conversations because they make us feel vulnerable. That fear can stem from childhood, where we learned that expressing emotions led to conflict or rejection. But just as children need to be heard to feel safe, adults in relationships need the same. The truth is, couples who face problems together – who talk, listen, and genuinely try to understand each other – become closer. Those who do not? They drift apart, often without even knowing when the distance began.
Yet, when one person in a relationship has a difficulty, it is not just their problem to solve. A healthy relationship means shared responsibility. If work stress, financial pressures, or family obligations are pulling you away from each other, the solution should not fall on just one person. Both partners must work to restore balance.
The conversations that matter most
When I work with couples, I often tell them that good communication should not begin when the argument has already started. It should begin in the quiet moments, in the everyday interactions that set the tone for your relationship. It is easy to assume your partner knows what you need, but unspoken expectations are the root of many conflicts.
One of the most overlooked aspects of keeping a relationship strong is planning for joy. The pressures of life – work, children, financial – can erode the very things that once brought you together. Just as businesses invest in team-building days to strengthen connections, couples must prioritise fun, shared experiences, and the small moments of playfulness that remind them why they chose each other in the first place. Many couples assume holidays will rekindle their bond, only to find that being in a new location does not change the underlying tension. Instead, unrealistic expectations lead to disappointment, which leads to conflict. When fun is forced, it loses its magic. The key is to create joy in the everyday, not wait for a getaway to fix things.
Healing or letting go: the same tools apply
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, a relationship cannot be saved. Yet, even in separation, how you communicate with each other determines the outcome – not just for you, but for any children involved. One of the hardest truths I share with my clients is that the communication issues they struggle with now will not disappear in their next relationship. If you leave without learning how to express your needs, how to listen without defensiveness, and how to resolve conflicts with compassion, you will simply repeat the same patterns with someone new.
For those who choose to separate, preserving respect is critical – especially when children are involved. They will look to you both for cues on how to handle change, loss, and emotional resilience. Conflict between parents does not come from divorce itself, but from how that divorce is handled. Whether you choose to stay or go, the way you communicate shapes not just your future, but theirs.
What do you want your story to be?
Every relationship tells a story. Some grow stronger through the challenges they face together, while others reach their natural end with dignity and care. The way you communicate determines which story you will tell.
If you are struggling, know that there is always a way forward –whether that means repairing what is broken or parting ways with respect and kindness. What matters most is that you find your voice, listen with an open heart, and choose the path that leads to a healthier, more fulfilling life.
Five steps to stronger conversations in your relationship
1. Talk before it breaks. Do not wait until resentment has built up. Make check-ins a regular part of your relationship, where both of you feel safe discussing your needs.
2. Listen to hear, not to win. When your partner speaks, listen without formulating your response in your head. Understanding, not defending, is the goal.
3. Take responsibility together. If something is out of balance, it is not just one person’s job to fix it. Relationships thrive on shared effort.
4. Prioritise fun. Make time for connection, whether it is a date night, a walk, or simply laughing together. Relationships are not just built on problem-solving but on joy.
5. Know when to seek help. Whether it is coaching, therapy, or mediation, professional support can help you find the words when you are struggling to say them yourself.
