Iconic 80s pop star and TV personality Sinitta chats to Editor-in-Chief Katy Sunnassee about having great sex in her 50s, feeling happy in her love life, and why she’s all about empowering women to have a great second half.
Words: Katy Sunnassee. Images: Paul Venning-Pridham, Shutterstock, Featureflash
Never miss an issue — subscribe for just £28.99 and receive a FREE Seoulista beauty gift.
My mum had such an eclectic group of friends. I grew up in a really cosmopolitan community that I thought was a real reflection of the world. It was very LGBTQIA positive; every race was represented. I’d go to school and write essays about my summer holidays, and the teachers would have meetings about it afterwards.
They were worried about my home environment because they were reading things they found quite alarming for a 10-year-old to write about, such as “Uncle Freddy and uncle Carl finally got together and everyone’s so happy,” and they would be like “oh, no, no, no”. Mum was and still is very open and accepting of everyone. Over the holidays, if people were single or alone or divorced, she would take them in. I think I’ve taken on that role a bit myself now.
When I was younger I felt I needed to overcome my shyness. I saw it as a weakness. I wanted to be that outgoing, confident person. Being in show business allowed me an outlet and I wasn’t judged because I wasn’t being the real me. It was a kind of safety net where I could be a bit loud and wear this and do that. Then I’d come off stage and be me again.
I still find it difficult to transition from real me to onstage me; I get lots of nerves. But as soon as I hit the stage, the nerves are gone and I enjoy it. And as crazy as I seem on stage, I’m actually the sensible one who gives out the advice, the cuddles and the vitamins.
I met lots of people in the industry through my mum or auntie as they were both pop stars before me. It meant I was very much in my comfort zone; people would pop into my dressing room to give me a hug and say ‘good luck sweetheart’. I felt I was in this bubble of protection, and I think that’s why I appeared so fearless. Arlene Phillips was like an auntie growing up and she’d be saying, ‘Just get out there and look fierce, don’t smile, look fierce!’.
Humour is something I learned about from being in Britain. I’m American but I went to boarding school here in the UK from age nine. I found that people here use humour to get through everything. Even if you break something, instead of everyone being angry, everyone cracks up. It’s quite childlike humour, and Simon Cowell reminded me of that, which is why I joined his record label.
I just wanted someone to make me laugh and talk to me about what songs I would sing or outfits I was going to wear. Others wanted to put me in the soul singer box but I had a huge crush on Madonna, Cyndi Lauper and Bananarama; I wanted to sing pop, help people forget their troubles and have fun. Simon was the only one who could relate to me and understood my vision. He said ‘If you wanna sing pop, sing pop’.
In terms of relationships I’m in a really good place right now. I’m dating someone who was a really good friend, one of my best friends in fact, that I was trying to fix up with all my favourite girlfriends because I didn’t want someone mercenary or unkind to get him. And now I’ve ended up with him!
I think I went through a stage where I went very off-piste, trying to distance myself from the type of people I dated previously, thinking that clearly didn’t work so let me try something different. But I think I’ve gone back to type, which is to someone a bit older than me, and a bit silly. I like that kind of old-fashioned, stupid-dad-jokes sense of humour. It’s nice being in the comfort of a relationship where you’re on the same page about many things as you’re a similar age, rather than you having to teach someone.
I’m not officially engaged but I’m “on a promise” let’s say. I would like to get married again and I’m at my happiest when I’m married because I think it’s romantic to make that commitment to someone and to really have each other’s backs. I feel like I surrender to love on another level when I’m married. I’ve only been married once before [from 2002-2010], but when people asked ‘Is it any different?’, I’d be like ‘Yeah, I did wake up feeling different’. It makes you feel like you’re with your person and you’re doing it together.
There will always be someone younger, more attractive, more successful, sexier. But I really hope and believe that you can build and develop your relationship to create a bubble where none of that matters because you are growing stronger together, increasing sexual and sensual connections, knowing what makes each other tick, and feeling valued, protected and wanted.
I’ve been open about past sexual abuse – in those days everything was so different. A lot of men did treat women differently and you were touched and smacked and pinched and it was all supposed to be “jolly good fun”. As someone who is quite shy and compliant – and very young back then – I didn’t want to be seen as the girl who can’t handle herself. I just got on with it.
But I was still having to see these people at events, and they’d march right up to me and give me a big hug and kiss in front of everyone like nothing had happened. When the #MeToo movement came along I thought “Gosh this is happening everywhere”. I also realised it wasn’t my fault. Because that’s the other thing, you think, “I’m wearing mini dresses; maybe I’m being provocative”. I never named those people. My compassionate side thinks, “I know these men’s wives and children; I don’t want to wreck their lives”.
But speaking out was about supporting other women and about finally telling those men that it was not okay to do what they did. If I ever hear that another woman has been hurt by any of them, I will add my voice to their complaint to stop them once and for all. But I believe they will have had a talk with themselves, reined themselves in, and been grateful for the warning.
I support every woman’s choice including those who name and shame and report their offenders. It is brave and important, and part of reclaiming your personal power and mental wellbeing. I do not advise everyone to do what I did. In fact, I would advise nowadays to speak up immediately after something has happened or been attempted. Do not wait for years. Do not let it become your dirty secret. It is not your fault!
The effects of being abused made me desire more than just sex from a relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I love sex, and now I am mature and confident, I enjoy the sex I want to have. However, a man fancying me has never been enough since then. I have always wanted someone to genuinely like me and respect me as a friend first, to have things in common, an easy and relaxed connection, and also a spiritual belief or awareness. I learned from those experiences not to make the mistake of letting lust and good looks influence my emotions and attachments.
When I find things challenging, I hand it over to God. I’ve always been a spiritual person. When you have a faith or you believe in something bigger than yourself, then, for me, that’s really comforting. There are verses such as, “We take our strength from God” or “I take God’s peace”. I’ll pray before I go on stage. In my career, I prayed before all the big things and also for the good things as well; being grateful for it. Also how you treat people is how you’ll be treated – like karma. So, I’ve always wanted to try to give out good energy.
Since reaching my mid-50s, everything being advertised to me is funeral plans or incontinence pants. It’s annoying because I’m still attractive, healthy and fit. I’m probably going to live another 50 years the way I take care of myself. Are we supposed to just have no more sex and sit some place and not dress up? Women can still have great sex, and we should, but we just might need to do A, B, C, D, E, F and G to do so, but it’s worth it. There are some women who think, ‘Oh, that’s it, it’s a box set and a cat for me now’. But there are older men out there in similar situations: divorced and still want fun, affection, sex, companionship.
I’m not in “old age” I’m in my “furtherhood”. There’s so much more to do – all the things I didn’t have confidence to do sexually when I was younger. In the past I was more compliant in bed but it’s very different when you are confident enough to lead. It’s fun and I think it’s nice for a man as well to be seduced. We’ll be talking about all this at Pause Live – the one-day menopause event taking place this September chatting about sex and intimacy.
I feel like menopause is when you’re pregnant with yourself. We spend all our lives being pregnant with what we ought to do and what we should do next, plus getting the family and career and everything. I think post-menopause is when you’re actually ready to put all of that together. You’re becoming the person you’ve had 50+ years to create.
Getting older isn’t something to fear, it’s about gaining experience. Especially if you take care of yourself. Wellness and self-care are not indulgent things only celebrities do. Self-care is something we should all be investing in. My community, Sin’s Angels, is a place to share ideas with other women from diverse backgrounds. We have a lot of great doctors, clinics, spas and products. We’ll be doing retreats and events too. We test all the latest, greatest devices, gadgets, methods and classes, finding out what works, what doesn’t – and then share that with our community who can try all these things at a discount through being a Sin’s Angels member.
People were always saying I have great skin, so I created my own skincare line. It’s called Sin’s Skin and was created by me with a group of scientists. It’s all completely organic, natural, holistic and pharmaceutical grade. There’s a good sunblock for black skin as it doesn’t leave any sort of grey/white residue. There’s also a product that feeds the skin with vitamins C and D and also deals with pigmentation. There’s lots of hydration products, too. My favourite one is called Hydrate Hydrate Hydrate Endurance Moisturiser – just to emphasise how much we need to hydrate our skin!
In terms of vaginal health, there are things you can do to tighten and tone with gadgets. I’ve tried the Emsella Chair and there are also probes that go in to improve the collagen within the vaginal walls. The same way we’re losing volume everywhere else, we’re losing it in the vagina as well.
You can even have fillers injected there for more fullness! If you are suffering and you’re not having great sex, but you’re going to be around for another 40 years, then these things are worth it. All the things we as women have been taught not to talk about are exactly the things we should be talking about. Then, getting older is not going to be so much of a problem. It’s like when your sofa’s messed up, you change it or you get it re-upholstered. It’s the same with us – we just need a little bit of repair!
Never miss an issue — subscribe for just £28.99 and receive a FREE Seoulista beauty gift.
Sinitta will be on the Sex and Relationships panel on the Live Stage at Pause Live (pauselive.com) on September 14 at The Grand Connaught Rooms, London. Readers can get 10 per cent off Pause Live tickets (regular price £15.99) with the code SPARKLE10 at checkout.
For more about Sin’s Angels, visit sinsangels.com or instagram.com/thesinsangelsofficial. To follow what Sinitta’s up to, visit instagram.com/thesinittaofficial.
