Broaching conversations around sex with your partner can feel awkward and intimidating. Louise Ramsay speaks to the experts for tips on how to get your sex life back on track with Viagra.
For a little blue pill, it can bring up a huge raft of emotions – from awkwardness to insecurity, worry to panic and even the fear of rejection. There’s no downplaying how Viagra has been presented in the media – as one small pill that could completely revolutionise your sex life. Yet there has also been a stigma of shame around it, making whether or not they should integrate it into their lives a difficult topic to broach for a lot of couples. Just why are we so embarrassed to talk about erectile dysfunction?
“It’s one of the most reported concerns in relationships and can cause a lot of anxiety,” says Limor Gottlieb, a doctoral researcher at the Centre for Culture and Evolution at Brunel University London, who is focusing on the psychology of sex and relationships.
“Sex is an important aspect not only of relationship wellbeing, but moreover of our physical and mental health. That’s why a healthy sexual life should be your priority. Naturally, if both your partner and yourself experience a low sex drive and you’re happy with this, there’s no reason for concern. It’s about what works best for you in your relationship. Don’t feel the need to live-out a sex life that’s shown in the media, as sex should be something you find pleasure with your partner, not something you do for others.
“However, if there’s a sex drive discrepancy meaning you or your partner desire more sex while the other partner desires less, it can cause conflict and moreover lead to frustration with the relationship and can have a negative impact on your wellbeing,” Limor says.
“In the beginning of a relationship, the honeymoon phase as we’ve dubbed it, people are driven by lust and have frequent sex. However, over time the amount of sex couples have becomes less. Often daily stressors are to blame and going through certain stages in life like menopause,” says Limor. “However, the main problem of lack of sex usually stems from sexual desire discrepancies in partners and this needs to be addressed through open and effective communication.”
Guilt, disappointment, and embarrassment can create a self-perpetuating cycle, so do your best to take the pressure off and not bring the topic of erectile dysfunction or low-libido up too often, even if you’re annoyed or concerned inside. Try and take a step back if you find yourself becoming frustrated. It’s normal to feel this way, however, your partner could be feeling inadequate and lacking in confidence.
Clinical sex and relationship therapist Erica Storm echoes this, saying, “Many men feel inadequate or feel less than a ‘man’ if they suffer from erectile dysfunction; the fear of their partner leaving them or cheating is a significant factor my clients have expressed in my couples sessions.
“The media, in my opinion, has a significant impact on how we as a society view Viagra. It is often laughed about in social settings with jokes like “I don’t need Viagra, I’m a real man” and stories of women leaving their 20 years of marriage because he ‘couldn’t get it up’ is enough for anybody to feel insecure or ashamed.
“There are a lot of expectations put on men; not only are they expected in most relationships to initiate sex, but they also have to get their partner ready whilst navigating their sweet spot, get an erection and control their orgasm to ensure they don’t ejaculate too quickly.
“Society has placed gender roles on us; men are not supposed to cry and feel insecure; this toxic masculinity keeps the male gender suppressed and ill-equipped to deal with their emotions”, says Erica. “Whilst we are working towards living in a liberal world, we are still faced with these issues. I believe the more we openly talk about sex, the more we will become comfortable discussing issues around sex, freeing us all from sexual shame and liberating us to live in absolute pleasure.”
It’s this open, clear and supporting communication that will make the biggest impact. It’s a misguided myth that Viagra can help boost your sex drive. A great short-term solution that can help with erectile dysfunction, but it doesn’t target the core reason of why your partner isn’t in the mood or their sex drive is lowering. The blue pill won’t light the fire of desire for them.
As Esther Perel wrote for the 20th anniversary of Viagra, “For many in our instant-gratification culture, the drug was seen as a quick fix not only for an aging appendage, but for fragile psyches and relationships as well. The little blue pill promised eternal youth, sexual prowess and extreme virility, handily regenerating lackluster marriages by making sex last forever.
“But the fact is, Viagra just helps increase blood flow to a man’s nether parts; it doesn’t bestow erotic intelligence. Forget connection, pleasure, intimacy, sensuality—with Viagra, the emphasis was on getting it up, getting it in and getting it done. This magic-bullet approach to relationships limits possibilities. The message of Viagra—that a big erection equals great sex—de-emphasized the physical, emotional and erotic communication necessary to true intimacy.”
The big player in issues like erectile dysfunction or a lacklustre sex life is less to do with the psychical and more to do with the mental – its shame. Shame of being unable to do what you once could, or shame that what you once had, like intimacy, is gone. But that doesn’t have to mean all is lost.
“People who suffer from erectile dysfunction tend to feel guilty or ashamed. So, when you bring this up to your partner make sure you don’t put any shame or blame on them. You need to come from an open, non-judgmental and curious place to make your partner feel comfortable to open up,” advises Limor.
“When considering treatment for erectile dysfunction, like Viagra, make sure you rule out any underlying health concerns like alcoholism or depression. Also taking other medication like anti-depressants can impact your libido. That’s why it’s important to openly talk about your concerns with your partner and encourage them to seek consultation. Couples therapy can also help facilitate these necessary conversations.”
And if you’re still feeling like the subject is too embarrassing? Erica has a solution on re-framing your viewpoint.
She points out, “To address the issue of men feeling awkward around this subject, I suggest we change the narrative on how we view Viagra in the same way we view lube!
“Why deny yourself of partner sex when you can continue experiencing pleasure? Self-acceptance without judgement will free you from the internal negative thoughts associated with erectile dysfunction. Understanding that you are not less of a man if you choose to take Viagra but an individual; who is taking back their power to explore sex again.
“Changing the narrative from negative to positive psychologically is extremely powerful. Get excited about all the new ways you will be able to pleasure yourself and your partner; reframing from the negative will remove shame and insecurities,” she says.
“I often remind my clients to reflect on their lives outside the bedroom – what makes you, you? Is it your ability to have sex? My clients usually smile when they reel off a list of things they are good at. I then ask my couples to reflect on what intimacy looks like to them – what other ways can you explore your love and desire together? Not only does this take the focus off the erectile dysfunction it allows the couples to reconnect – worrying about it will only worsen it.”
There’s no denying that subjects like Viagra can be embarrassing or even a hit to your partner’s ego. But it’s all about reframing the narrative around that little blue pill and what it stands for. Rather than seeing erectile dysfunction as something to overcome on your own, see Viagra more as a helping hand to kick-start that journey. Each new chapter in life only aids us in understanding ourselves better, even the more uncomfortable subjects. For some, Viagra helps the issue completely. For others, it’s a means to an end and that’s all. And for a good few, it can be the catalyst to taking a step to repairing any issues of intimacy they feel with their partner.
Remember, consider the other person and their feelings, so they feel supported rather than cornered. It’s a tricky subject, but you both have the same end goal. Take your time and share how you feel, both on your own but also in this partnership and why you feel it can help. Then, listen and understand how they feel. You may find yourself pleasantly surprised.
What about Viagra for women?
It’s estimated that one in three women will find low sexual desire a problem at some point, so where is the female version of Viagra? There are currently two drugs available in the US for treating low libido in people with vulvas, but while both have been dubbed the “female Viagra”, neither have reached the same level of efficacy or uptake quite as much as the little blue pill. While Samantha Jones may have delighted in her journey with Viagra in Sex and The City, there is very little evidence that Viagra as it is currently has any positive effects on anyone other than men.
Nor have the wave of over-the-counter supplements, gels and creams available on either side of the pond appeared to really take off, either. There are no drugs currently licenced in the UK for low libido, but menopausal people who are experiencing this as a symptom can be prescribed hormonal treatments that could help. Non-hormonal treatments, such as sex therapy, are also available.
It’s worth noting that a pill (or topic gel cream or supplement) can help with issues that are more of a mental block. After all, while Viagra can get the party started, it doesn’t mean you or your partner want to RSVP every time.
